(I was going through some old files and came across this — I wrote it in April 2005. The sentiments are still the same.)
Loneliness … Someday.
People say its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all and I’m feeling that. I have never been in love but I so desperately want to be. The loneliness that sweeps over me comes like an unexpected tidal wave or maybe a lapping lake that just rolls up and recedes only to come back seconds later all over again. The loneliness one feels after losing a love is completely different than the loneliness of one who has never had that loneliness filled before. People who have love are lonely for what they had and what they miss. I, who has never had the experience, long for and am lonely for what I feel I’m missing out on. It’s something I miss even though I’ve never experienced it in all its joy and wonder. Never having been in love makes me notice every look a man makes to the woman of his dreams, every smile the woman makes when she meets the eyes of the love of her life from across the room. The feelings that emerge from seeing these things are envy, jealousy, nervousness, excitement, sadness, and loneliness all crashing down at once. These emotions seem to fade when I find myself in other things, but the feelings may rush back to the surface at the most random places. Seeing a field covered in snow brings loneliness. Walking downtown in a big city with the romantic restaurants and couples huddled together keeping warm throws the wishing and praying right back. The wishing and praying that someday I’ll find the one who makes me smile from across the room or someday I’ll go to a romantic restaurant with the man who will hold my hand for the rest of my life. Someday the loneliness will fade. Someday.