To Whom It May Concern:

It has come to our attention that you will be using our services far more than originally estimated. Please consider this a warning that there are consequences for this increase in service.

These consequences include (but are not limited to) the following:

Low Performance: there is no guarantee that we will be able to perform to the higher expectations that have been set since the original agreement was put in place.

Unexpected Glitches: as much as we’d like to, we cannot guarantee that our systems can handle the rigors of the schedule you are demanding. Our systems have not been through this much testing; there may be glitches that are unforeseen. 

Hardware Breakdown: due to the unexpected usage of our services, you may experience several conditions that were not in the owner’s manual. You should expect to see the following: blisters, calluses, shin splints, chafing, sore muscles and knee pain. 

And while we hope it does not come to this:

Outright Rebellion: while this tends to be a last resort, we have had to use it on certain occasions. If you continue demanding these services, we will be forced to use the following: plantar fasclitis, runner’s colon–also known as Irritable Bowl Syndrome, low back pain, achy joints, black toenails and Illiotibial Band Syndrome, among other things. 

I trust you will regard this letter with the seriousness it deserves. We have enjoyed working with you, but are not afraid to suspend our relationship if it be necessary.

I thank you for your time and I hope you will evaluate our conditions and consider the consequences of your decisions. 

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. 

Best Regards,

Your Body