I tend to jump into things without much thought and figure out how it’ll all work out later.
There’s no prayer or real thought involved. I think it’s a good idea, wonder what might come of it and jump headfirst. But I’m really only jumping into a pool that’s about three feet deep (okay, so forget the fact that if I jumped headfirst into a pool that’s three feet deep, I’d have much bigger problems–paralysis being one). What I mean is that I jump into things that, in the grand scheme aren’t a huge deal (only ending up in the shallow, not the deep, end of the pool), but the problem is that I jump without really knowing if it’s something I want to do or pursue.
Cases in point:
1. A few years back, I applied and was accepted into a Public Affairs Masters program. Did I want to get that? Or did I just want to be a part of something? Something to keep me busy? I think it was the latter two.
2. Church in Seattle: I jumped right in, got involved, only to realize that I’m not sure this is where I’m supposed to be. While I made great relationships, my relationship with God has grown stale. I’m not challenged through the preaching as much as I’m looking/yearning for. Did I meet great people? Absolutely. Did I stay because the people, not necessarily the preaching, was keeping me there? Yes.
3. eHarmony: It’s not common knowledge, but I joined eHarmony about a month ago. I’m beginning to question my intentions to join. Was it because a lot of my friends are either dating someone–even casually, in a serious relationship or even married and here I am with no one? Yes. Was it a decision I prayed about and felt God leading me towards? No — it was more “taking matters into my own hands” … but I joined anyway, knowing that it wasn’t really what I was looking for. (No, nothing has come of it.)
4. Applied for a Marketing Management Certificate Program: this was the catalyst for this entry actually. I finished up the application tonight and after I submitted it, I began to think of the laundry list of things that I sign up for in the hopes of these grand revelations only to have nothing really come of them. So here’s the deal with this: I was looking at a Certification Program on Editing (writing, copy editing, proofreading, etc.). I found one through the University of Washington, along with the Marketing Management program. Which one do I ultimately want to do? The Editing Program — I get absolute joy out of proofreading and editing. But which one do I sign up for? The Marketing Management one. Why? Will it be beneficial in my current job? Yes. Will it be overall beneficial to my career? Yes. Is it something I get joy out of and want to pursue? Not necessarily. So why didn’t I apply for the editing certificate? I DON’T KNOW!! This is what I’m talking about here!!
Do you see a trend here? I sign up then have buyer’s remorse almost immediately. I think I have some sort of complex. I’m not sure what kind of complex–but a complex nonetheless.
(Don’t get me wrong, I am excited about the Marketing program, but ultimately, I’m not sure why I signed up for that one, and not the editing one. Also, I have only applied for this and I’ll know within two weeks if I’m accepted. I really have no idea if they’ll accept me or not.)